Annoying List Phenomenon

[kelly_chambliss]

I've belonged to a lot of email groups in my time.  The catalogue of my obsessions is various and weird, so my lists span a huge diversity of topics.  And on every list that contains mostly females and just a few males, I've noticed the same phenomenon:

There will be a guy who is very talkative and assertive.  He'll post frequently and state his opinions strongly.  That's fine so far.  But too often, this guy will become verbally violent, dashing off flames and criticisms, demanding that the rest of us post more or post less, shrieking because he doesn't get enough feedback or because no one responded to one of his queries, carping that people snip too much or too little from previous posts, giving orders to the list leader.  Get the picture?

Yet, whenever he goes postal, do you think the rest of the listies tell him to shut up and behave himself?  No, they don't.  Instead, they flutter around, trying to placate him, offering apologies, hastening to explain themselves, promising to pay more attention to him, working hard to jolly him out of his bad mood.

I hate this.  Women, why do we let one belligerent male take over our lists in this way?  We don't know this guy; we don't owe him anything; he has no power over us.  Are we so conditioned by society to kowtow to men that we can't even resist in an e-forum, where we have nothing to lose by telling him to go fuck himself?

I despair of our sexist world; I really do.

 

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I've never had that experience - the guys on my lists have always been either polite or lurkers. Is there a certain type of list that this happens on?

--jemima

[kellychambliss.livejournal.com]

It rarely happens on my professional lists. There might occasionally be a bit of a flame war there, or some ruffled tempers, but hardly ever any bullying. Most of the difficulties are on what you might call "hobbyist" lists, the sort that people join just for fun. Again, it happens primarily on lists where the majority of the members are female. I've found that when a list is more gender-balanced or has more males than females, bullying is far less common. (That's not to say that there's no rudeness on those lists; it's just a different sort of rudeness. The belligerent/agressive types either take a different approach, or they get shut up pretty quickly.)

To be sure, most of the people on my lists, men and women alike, are polite and good-natured. That's one of the reasons I hate it so much when a single bully can upset an entire group. (As you might have guessed, it's happening again on one of my Yahoo! groups. And it pisses me off [Could you tell ?])

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, a Certain Male has been stalking a large HPfic message board, which I co-moderate. He responds to concrit with flames, calls people morons and generally makes an opinionated ass of himself.

We told him to go fuck himself last week.

He came back with a new username.

We told that sockpuppet to go fuck himself.

He was last seen complaining that HP fandom is made up of harpies, lesbians and queers. Such a shame.

[kellychambliss.livejournal.com]

Good for you, Liz!

It IS too bad that your SP is now trashing the fandom. But it's typical. It's so much easier to blame something other than oneself.

It's interesting how often that sort of blame is given along on gender lines (or racial lines, when that's possible). I've seen it with both men and women. A guy like your sock puppet, stood up to by women, will of course call them harpies and dykes. Their gender matters to him; his sense of superiority comes from his *not* being female. And I've known women who use gender to justify their own inappropriate behavior. I once had a female colleague who was just impossible; she was rude and demanding, threw tantrums, verbally attacked anyone who disagreed with her. Whenever anyone challenged her, she'd say, "See? Sexism. He (or she) just can't cope with an assertive woman."

But maybe there's hope -- you seem to have handled things just right.

[projectjulie.livejournal.com]

Look at you, you're here!